Consider This


19
Feb 09

A Short Note About Adjectives

One has to be very particular about how to use adjectives and be careful they’re not abused for writing creative or seemingly poetic descriptions. Push adjectives into the wrong situation and they can stop meaning anything of real consequence. They’ll just confound people if you don’t pair them up with their familiar nouns.

Dastardly Chopstick.” Cool, but weird for the sake of being weird.

This is an important note to remember for many of the more uncommon adjectives, such as crepuscular. Certain adjectives like that one only fit deservingly with a very select group of nouns. You can’t just throw the word crepuscular around for this or that.

For example, there are just four things to which you should properly ascribe the word runny: make-up, oil paint, snot, and cheese. If you say “runny fingerfoods,” you’re really only narrowing down the edible possibilities by half or less, providing your readers aren’t under five years old.

You see, adjectives shouldn’t be treated like sprinkles for textual ice cream. If you glob them on like a thick crust of multi-colored crunchies, the more impressionable readers eat it up and get sick.


18
Jul 08

The Road Diet

After reading Cormac McCarthy’s The Road, I’ve been inspired to write a diet book called “The Road Diet.” I’m dabbling with the first draft. It’s a post-apocalyptic diet based largely on the protagonists’ subsistence foraging. No, there’s not going to be any cannibalism, at least until week 30. Everything should be easy to acquire for under $5 a week, which is easily affordable for Oprah book club members. Expect to lose weight!

Here’s a sample week:

Day One

  • Breakfast: 4 fried corn meal patties, each made from 2 tablespoons of corn meal mixed with pork fat skimmed from a can of pork and beans.
  • Lunch: water
  • Dinner: 1 can of pork and beans heated in the can and 2 desiccated apples for dessert

Day Two

  • Breakfast: 6 peanuts and 4 leftover corn meal patties
  • Lunch: 1 package of grape juice mix crystals
  • Dinner: 1 can of Libby’s green peas

Day Three

  • Breakfast: water
  • Lunch: water
  • Dinner: 1 boiled leather watch strap

Day Four

  • Breakfast: water
  • Lunch: water
  • Dinner: water

Day Five

  • Breakfast: 1 handful of dusty barley seeds
  • Lunch: water
  • Dinner: water

Day Six

  • Breakfast: water
  • Lunch: water
  • Dinner: 1/2 can of corned beef hash, 3 cans of Libby’s peas, 1 can of pears for dessert

Day Seven

  • Breakfast: Navy bean soup (1 can of tomato paste, water, 33 navy beans)
  • Lunch: water
  • Dinner: 1/2 can of corned beef hash

13
May 08

James Caan

Mary-Kate’s imaginary conversation with The Godfather’s Academy Award nominated actor James Caan:

Mary-Kate: James Caan! You were in two of the best movies of all time!
James Caan: Thanks.
Mary-Kate: Misery and Elf!


28
Apr 08

Charles Dickens Could Drive An Illustrator To Suicide

I wish there was more to say about Charles Dickens driving an illustrator to an untimely end, but there’s not a lot written as a matter of public record in Charles Dickens’ biographies.

2008-04-28-Seymour

"Better Luck Next Time" by Robert Seymour.

The story goes like this. In 1836, there was an illustrator by the name of Robert Seymour who gave up a career as a draughtsman to do sport caricature illustrations in the style of the famous George Cruikshank. Apparently, Seymour thought so much of Cruikshank that he liked to refer to himself as “Short Shanks” as a pseudonym. I never really cared too much for Cruikshank style, because the faces are always so poorly done, but to each his own. It was the popular style back then.

The publishers Chapman and Hall really liked what Seymour was doing and wanted to offer him a chance to work with a new writer that was becoming ridiculously famous, the 23 year-old Charles Dickens. The contract was that Seymour would do some etchings around the idea “The Adventures of the Nimrod Club” and Dickens would be approached to write some short stories based on them, but the focus would be primarily on Seymour. The illustrator would be the top billing. However, it wasn’t meant to be.

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